A gentleman's guide to sex, life and loves.

The Dominant SNAG

In Personal on September 12, 2010 at 3:18 pm

My mother is a second wave feminist complete with liberal arts degree, not for profit job and stories of her years as a lesbian in DC. The Feminine Mystique sits proudly on her bookshelf. To say that progressive values were instilled in me at a young age is to calmly observe that water is generally found to be wet. I remember having a conversation with her in my teenage years and she complimented herself that she’d helped raise such a fine young SNAG: a Sensitive New-Age Guy. How rightly evolved I was, she observed. How unlike so many proponents of misogyny in our culture.

Just over ten years later I find myself weighing the options of the crop vs the belt vs the suede flogger when packing my toybag because, dammit, they just don’t all fit in there. I bind and gag and beat and tie and flog and order and I do all this because it’s what fulfills me and my partners. When I release them we marvel at redness in front of mirrors together. We hug and thank one another for the experience. It’s wonderful. But it’s not without conflict.

I can’t help but have moments where I wonder if my sexual interests aren’t just cultural subjection in another guise. Times of self-doubt when I’m concerned that my partners’ “yes” may be coerced by the power dynamic at play in our relationship. Deep down part of me fears that by encouraging their submission I’m a part of the problem. That in my own small way I’m just fostering the attitudes that form a rape-tolerant society.

And what’s worse is that this self-questioning can manifest itself in ways that are not at all attractive to my partners. If confidence is an aphrodisiac then this flavor of doubt is a cock block of Great Wall proportions. It’s hard to simultaneously order a naked woman to her knees in front of you while insisting that you don’t want to pressure her into an uncomfortable situation.

I suppose if my mental somersaults result from a youth rich in feminist ideology then maybe the best course for me is to embrace that fact: replace the radical lessons from my youth with sex-positive feminists. There are certainly no shortage of knowledgeable discourse in the subject. From Gayle Rubin to Susie Bright to Tristan Taormino (who will likely be making a POPR appearance before long) I’m am not in want of literature on the subject. Time to hit the library.

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